JJ ABRAMS YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DROP MY JAW WITH THIS MOVIE? DEAR MOTHER OF GOD I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW HAPPY I WAS TO SEE YOU WERE DIRECTING THIS. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH OF MY CHILDHOOD WAS CONSUMED BY STAR WARS?! The area scene in episode two - a personal favorite (overlooking the prequels glaring defects, the series was still great); I was a Jedi for Halloween more than once; I still have lightsabers from yesteryear!
#morespoilers JJ, I get it - Disney gives you a script and tells you to make a movie that will impress the audience and make them a shit ton of money - you did that, arguably very successfully. But at what cost? This is just my personal opinion, but you just forsook the entire extended universe that has been crafted over the past few decades for this movie that is, albeit great, but very shallow, answers few questions, and ultimately tries too hard to be like the first three.
Could you maybe get your own plot? George Lucas already used Episode VII's for Episode IV. Seriously; let's go thorough a checklist.
- Parent-less child stuck on a desert planet inhabited with slavers and used metal parts salesman - THIS HAS BEEN USED LITERALLY TWICE IN A SERIES WITH SIX MOVIES - TWO FUCKING TIMES!!!
- Said parent-less child dreams of adventure and Jedi, the rebellion, and basically anything that is off her god-forsaken desert planet - SEE POINT ABOVE - ALREADY USED JJ
- Rebellion (?) hero is ambushed by the bad guys and has to use a droid to get the galaxy-saving message back to base - GUYS COME ON
- Unknown parent-less hero stumbles upon helpless droid and saves it, ultimately earning its trust and subsequently its galaxy-saving secret
- Parent-less child and now unknown hero is saved from local thugs/nature by another unknown hero, thus leading to friendship - at least in this movie HE ISN'T A FUCKING JEDI
- New heroes are ambushed by bad guys on desert planet and have to escape in a "piece of junk" - HAHA I GET IT BECAUSE APPARENTLY THE MILLENNIUM FALCON APPARENTLY HASN'T BEEN UPGRADED IN 30+ YEARS EVEN THOUGH THEY SAVED THE GALAXY AND ARE CLEARLY SOME OF THE MOST POPULAR PEOPLE IN THE GALAXY. WAY TO GO HAN - WISE MONEY INVESTMENTS.
- Bad guys use super big megaweapon to destroy a planet(s) full of innocent people just because they're dicks - seriously...the superweapon...the bad guys have to have had other things to do in their time, right?
- While doing something, one of the unknown heroes discovers he/she is/are force sensitive and shit and starts to use a lightsaber given to them by someone older
- Hero rebels (seriously guys, you beat them like 30 years ago) formulate plan involving X-Wings to destroy big evil megaweapon that is going to attack and destroy their planet in T-minus 4 hours - even down to the X wing characters, the fat guy included (at least they included girls this time, amiright? #genderequality)
- Huge massive fucking superweapon can be easily destroyed by a simple torpedo or two into a critical area - whoever is designing this things, execute them immediately - seriously
- Hero X-Wing pilot utters phrase "I'm going in" on a trench while being pursued by X Wings - couldn't even try there Disney, could ya?
- Unwilling hero returns to save other hero in the nick of time in order to save the entire group of good guys from being blown up from big bad megaweapon about to be fired - oh well at least this time they both can use a lightsaber like pros against a seasoned (Sith?) fighter
- Older, seemingly wiser mentor sacrifices (?) self to former sibling/friend in order that others can fulfill whatever job/plot they are supposed to - alright I'll lay off this one a little; Harrison Ford is 73 and ain't getting any younger, despite what the constant plane crash survivals say. Plus apparently he wasn't really feeling any more Star Wars. Still...Obi Wan much?
- Bad guy barely escapes to boss bad guy as entire superweapon is destroyed - at least in this one they didn't show him escaping...well, the earthquake split was still pretty dumb
- Rebels are all happy and celebrating at the end on their lush green moon base - at least there were no awards this time
/endlist
Okay seriously, in all honesty I get it. The original actors are pretty much done, and Disney needed a way to transition them out respectfully while getting a new generation of Star Wars fans excited with new characters and locations, as well as plots. I can understand. It's a hard, bittersweet job that has to be done. But why, for the name of all that is holy, would you not use the hundreds of Extended Universe books that have already been written? There are literally hundreds of hours of material out there, and instead YOU MAKE THEM NON-CANON AND JUST DISMISS THEM?! Jacen, Jania, Anakin, and Ben are all super interesting characters with deep subplots and you just are like, "nah, put a girl on a desert planet".
Also, could Carrie Fisher possibly look like she wants to be there? I get it that she's old and her and her husband weren't on good terms, but I almost feel like she shouldn't have even been included. Did she just peace out from the New Republic and is instead just chilling with new "rebels"? BY THE WAY THE REBELS ARE NO LONGER REBELS - THE EMPIRE REMNANTS (THE FIRST ORDER) ARE THE REBELS - WHY ISN'T THE NEW REPUBLIC FIGHTING THEM?! I like my proxy wars as much as the next, but it doesn't make sense.
Lastly, stop trying to introduce all of these back characters. Who the heck even was the boss of the bad guys anyways? The rule of two must be followed - don't go fucking that up. Also, can we talk about Kylo Ren for a second? Whereas Vader was a seasoned pro and expert at handling situations (even if it involved choking an admiral or two), Ren acts like a little padawan, destroying everything with his little cross saber whenever things don't go his way. That's no way how the bad guy in a Star Wars movie should act. My only hope (ha) is that the future movies end up justifying all/most of this by clarifying a few things and by showing us things that have us look back and go "ahhhh"...
Overall, I still give the movie a positive 7/10, because it did things that had to be done. Still, as voiced above, some parts of my heart broke over the movie. Disney, man, what are you gonna do about it?






